I am participating in the 5 for 5 writing series at Momalom where bloggers write a post a day for five days about a given topic. The first topic is CHANGE.
Many people think of depression as just feeling sad all the time. Unfortunately for those of us who suffer from depression, we know that there is a whole lot more to it than that. Depression effects just about every aspect of your life, not always at the same time or in the same way but it touches everything in someway.
Everything changes when you become depressed. The way you look at life, the way you interact with people, the way you do your job, your thoughts, your choices, your hopes and desires.
Some of these changes are easy enough to get back on track once you learn how to control your depression. But some of them are not. Sometimes it seems as though depression has changed certain aspects of your existence for good.
Before I developed depression, I was full of energy and motivation, always ready to try new things and make decisions, although I was a little bit shy, I wasn't afraid of meeting new people and I was no super model, but for the most part, I was happy with my appearance. Now, even though my depression is under control, I have changed.
I don't have the energy and motivation that I once had. Even when I want to do something, it can be a struggle to motivate myself to get up off the couch or move away from the computer. I miss the enthusiasm that I once had for many things. I hate having to push myself to do the things I love.
I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see. I need to get healthier, not only for me, but for my family. I need to eat better and eat less. I need to exercise more. I need to stop just saying these things and actually doing them.
I am tired of worrying about what people think of me. I am tired of seeing things so negatively. I am tired of not being able to make a decision. I am tired of the way depression has changed me. I am tired of depression being in control. It is time I learn to control my depression.
It is time to CHANGE.
I recently had my second depression diagnosis and this time I walked away with a prescription instead of just a note for counseling. They are helping so much but I'm starting to wonder just how long this was going on and how long I needed further intervention but didn't get it or even realize that I needed it.
ReplyDeleteI'm also trying to decide how much to talk about it. I believe in talking about it, but it's complicated because of the circumstances.
I relate so much to your desire for change. I just don't know how to motivate myself to change anything anymore. What a dilemma to have.
I don't know if you read my last post about my depression (http://perilsofaworkingmom.blogspot.ca/2012/01/depression-sucks.html) but it took me almost a year of slowly getting worse to realize and admit that I needed to talk to my Dr about adjusting my meds. The change in dose plus the addition of a second med has helped a lot, now a lot of the lack of motivation has become habit and laziness on my part. Still hard to change!
DeleteIt is hard to decide how much to talk about and who to talk to as so much of it can be very complicated and deeply personal. But feel free to email me anytime if you want to talk.
I have read so many amazing writers with depression and while the coping mechanism is different for everyone, I noticed that the writing sometimes helps to process your own journey and also to be able to find a source of strength in the support of your readers. I wish you well in your journey Nicki, and hope you will overcome the things that bring you down. I know it can't be easy.
ReplyDeleteWriting does help! I would be lost if I didn't write!
DeleteI love the directness of this post. The way you are confronting depression and revealing it at the same time. The way you are confronting and revealing change, a desire for change, a need for change, a hope that change will offer more change. Maybe writing it brings you one step closer to getting there. I hope so. And I'm so glad you joined up!
ReplyDeleteYes, change is still so very hard, even when you know it's necessary. I can relate to so much of this post.
ReplyDeleteI'm cheering you on Nicki!! ox Pam
ReplyDeleteI know you are! You are always in my mind as someone to find if I ever need to talk!
DeleteChange is hard, even without depression. I think you should also reward yourself for the positive changes you've made already. Getting help and seeing what needs to be done is a big deal.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on needing to be healthier, if you need a cheerleader or partner let me know.
I need all the cheerleaders I can get!! If you see me hanging out on twitter in the evenings, feel free to bug at me to see if I've exercised or not!
DeleteOh reading this makes me want to hug you and tell you that yes, you can make the changes you need to. I hope that no matter how hard the change is you keep making the effort and chipping away at the hard stuff.
ReplyDeleteThough I'm not depressed, I still need to make so many of the changes you've listed. I wish you strength on your journey!
ReplyDeleteI've gone through bouts of depression. And bouts of glory, too. I wish you all the strength and wisdom in this world for you to conquer your every day heartaches with grace and change.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing.
Alita
Depression is hard - but know that you cannot "will" it away. I've been there - maybe even am still there. All I can do is take one step at a time and keep the perspective.
ReplyDeleteSo beautiful. So brave. I do not have depression, but I do wrestle with anxiety. Wrote about it today and it feels wonderful to open up, doesn't it? Happy to have found my way here.
ReplyDeleteThank you for all the wonderful comments. One can never have too much support when dealing with any kind of mental illness.
ReplyDeleteWriting, of any kind, does help, I haven't written much about my depression, but I have more that I want to say, it is just hard getting it out. I do hope that writing about my struggles helps me deal . . . any maybe some of what I have to say can help someone else.
I don't know you (nice to meet you!), but I'm also cheering you on. People often think you can just "kick" depression, or it's a matter of laziness or bad habits. And that's soooooo wrong.
ReplyDeleteWriting helps. Talking about it helps. Knowing you aren't alone helps. Sometimes seeking the motivation that can come from setting manageable goals with others - even online - can be incredibly helpful. Instead of peer pressure, it's peer power.
But do be kind to yourself on this journey.
Wishing you all the best.
HUZZAH! I'm betting on you!
ReplyDeleteThis was such a brave, open and honest post. You have verbalized what so many of us I'm sure are feeling. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteNicki,
ReplyDeleteWishing you all the best in this journey to conquer. I believe what you did here is courageous. Keep writing.
You are not alone.
I used to be one of those people who taught you can think the depression away, that it just takes will, etc... Until it hit me a couple of year ago. I've dragged myself out more or less but I agree, it changed me. Good luck with making your changes - just take small steps! I'm cheering you on!
ReplyDeleteAll these comments are wonderfully encouraging! Thank you all!
ReplyDelete