What Depression Does To Me

I don't want to be at work or at home.
I don't want to be with people or alone.
I don't want get up in the morning or go to bed at night.
I just don't want to.

There are dishes to do, piles of dirty laundry and floors to sweep.
I could be spending time in my gardens or sitting on my patio.
But I just do nothing.

I'm not happy or sad.
Everything annoys me or frustrates me.
Otherwise, I feel nothing.

I feel nothing and I don't care.
That's what depression does to me.
It comes out of nowhere and kicks me in the ass.
And then it stomps on me when I am down.

Depression makes me think that nothing I do is right.
Depression tells me that there is no point in even trying.
Depression tells me that this is as good as it gets.
Depression tells to give up and spend every day being annoyed and frustrated with everything.
Depression tells me to ignore the people who are important.
Depression tells me to keep doing nothing.

DEPRESSION LIES!

I know that there will be better days.
I know that this won't last.  I won't let it.
I will not let depression win this battle.

It would be easy to give in and let depression win.
It would be easy to sit and stare mindlessly at the TV all day.

Life with depression isn't easy.
I make myself get up and get dressed everyday.
I go to work, put a smile on my face and do what I have to do my job.
I push myself to do what I need to do every day.
I make myself do things that I don't want to do.
Some days it works better than others, but I don't give up.
Tomorrow is another day and I will try again.
Maybe tomorrow will be the day when I find even a couple of minutes of enjoyment in the day.
Maybe the next day will be even better.

Sometimes it is just a day, sometimes a few days or longer.
Eventually things will be back to normal.
Someday I will wake up and feel things and want to do things.
Then I will enjoy life until it comes back,
Because when you live with depression, you live with depression.
If you are lucky, you can control it most of the time.
But it is never gone and you never know when it is going to rear it's ugly head.

Depression Is . . .

Depression is one of those things that can strike at any time.  You never know when or where it's going to rear it's ugly head.  It doesn't matter if you are at home or at work, on vacation or at the mall.  It doesn't matter what time of the day or night it might be.

Depression isn't always the same.  it can creepy up slowly, bring you down deeper and deeper everyday.  Or it can come out of nowhere and slap you upside the head causing a downward spiral.  It can last for a few hours, a day, a week, a month - you never know.

Depression doesn't always have a reason that you can understand.  Sometimes it does, there are lots of things, stress, illness, death, etc, that could trigger a period of depression.  But sometimes you find yourself in that deep dark hole and have no idea why you are there.

Depression can hit you in so many different ways.  It can make you sad, like sit in a corner and cry all day kind of sad.  It can make you angry, like explode at everyone who looks at you kind of angry.  It can make you not care, like the world could come falling down around you and you just shrug your shoulders.  It can make you clueless, like so clueless that you don't even notice that you are being miserable to everyone around you.  It can make you self absorbed to the point where you don't care that the guy in front of you slammed on his brakes to avoid hitting a child, all that you care about is that your purse fell on the floor and spilled when you hit your brakes to avoid hitting him.  It can make you withdrawn to the point where all you want to do is stay in bed.

Depression effects EVERYTHING - your family, your friends, your job, your pets, your home life, your social life.  No one can tell you what to expect or how you are going to feel or react.

Depression is unpredictable.  There is no one treatment that works for everyone.  Life becomes a rollercoaster of medications, therapies and strategies to try and keep in control of your life.  Some days it works, some days it doesn't.

Next time someone tells you that they suffer from depression, don't tell them that you know how they feel because you don't and you never will.  Instead, ask them how they feel and LISTEN! 

Even if you suffer from depression yourself, you don't know how they feel and you never will.  You understand what it is like to live with this horrible mental illness not knowing when it is going to turn on you again, but nobody suffers the same way. 

Depression is something different to everyone who suffers from it.

Depression Changes Things

I am participating in the 5 for 5 writing series at Momalom where bloggers write a post a day for five days about a given topic.  The first topic is CHANGE.

Many people think of depression as just feeling sad all the time.  Unfortunately for those of us who suffer from depression, we know that there is a whole lot more to it than that.  Depression effects just about every aspect of your life, not always at the same time or in the same way but it touches everything in someway. 

Everything changes when you become depressed.  The way you look at life, the way you interact with people, the way you do your job, your thoughts, your choices, your hopes and desires.

Some of these changes are easy enough to get back on track once you learn how to control your depression.  But some of them are not.  Sometimes it seems as though depression has changed certain aspects of your existence for good.

Before I developed depression, I was full of energy and motivation, always ready to try new things and make decisions, although I was a little bit shy, I wasn't afraid of meeting new people and I was no super model, but for the most part, I was happy with my appearance.  Now, even though my depression is under control, I have changed.  

I don't have the energy and motivation that I once had.  Even when I want to do something, it can be a struggle to motivate myself to get up off the couch or move away from the computer.  I miss the enthusiasm that I once had for many things.  I hate having to push myself to do the things I love. 

I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see.  I need to get healthier, not only for me, but for my family.  I need to eat better and eat less.  I need to exercise more.  I need to stop just saying these things and actually doing them.

I am tired of worrying about what people think of me.  I am tired of seeing things so negatively.  I am tired of not being able to make a decision.  I am tired of the way depression has changed me.  I am tired of depression being in control.  It is time I learn to control my depression.

It is time to CHANGE.

Depression Sucks

I suffer from depression.  I have for about 8 years.  I take medication everyday and hope that it continues to keep things under control.

This past year, most of 2011, things have not been good.  My medication did not keep things under control the way it should have.  There was no precise trigger to blame.  Nor did I just wake up one morning feeling depressed again.  I was a slow, gradual descent into a life I do not wish upon anyone.

At some point last winter, I started to slowly slip back into what would be a year long struggle.  In the beginning, I didn't even see the signs.  Henry would point it out the changes in my mood or personality and I would instantly deny it or blame it on something else.  In March, I saw my doctor.  I told her that I was tired all the time.  But I didn't tell her anything else.  I was still in denial.  I thought I was still in control.  She suggested SAD (seasonal affective disorder).  I agreed and promised to come back if things didn't improve with the weather.

My energy did not improve, nor did my moods, my motivation my interest in anything, my desire to do interact with anyone or my memory and concentration.  Nor was I any more willing to admit that there were issues or problems with any of these things.  By the end of the summer, very little in life gave me pleasure.  It was a struggle to get out of bed in the morning.  I had to push myself to do anything.  It was all I could do to make it through the day at work.  Aside for going to work and cooking dinner, I did nothing.  

My house was a mess, my gardens (which are normally therapeutic for me) were full of weeds, I had dozens of unfinished projects around the house and yard, Liam and Henry weren't getting the amount or quality of attention that they deserved from me, there really wasn't a single aspect of my life that wasn't affected by this.  But I really didn't care.  I was full of excuses for my actions and promises to change but I couldn't do a thing about any of it.

By the end of the summer, I was finally ready to admit that there were problems.  But I still wasn't ready to do anything about them.  But it gave me an excuse, a scapegoat.  My depression became my excuse for everything that I didn't do, didn't want to do or didn't do correctly.  

Finally, in October, I couldn't put it off any longer.  I had to see my doctor.  Not only did I need a prescription renewal, I needed help.

By this point I was drowning in feelings of hopelessness, sadness, loneliness and just about every other negative  emotion you can think of.  My ability to focus and get things done was non existent as was my memory.

I was practically shaking as I waited to see my doctor, afraid that I wouldn't be able to convince her that there was a problem.  But at the same time feeling like I could wait it out a little longer to see if things got better without help. (I knew full well that it wouldn't but that's how my brain was functioning at the time.)

Within a few short minutes of talking with my doctor, she was giving me a prescription to increase my meds by one dose for three weeks and by another dose for a second 3 weeks if needed.

Just having that piece of paper in my hand made me feel somewhat better.  It is amazing how our brains function sometimes.

After the first three weeks, I felt a slight improvement.  After six weeks, I felt more improvement but still not enough.  I still didn't feel "normal".

Back to the doctor I went.  Again, she was helpful and added a second medication.  More than a month of being on a higher dose of my regular meds as well as the second medication and I am feeling much better.

There are still day (and probably always will be) where I have to push myself to do things and I still don't have quite then energy that I wish i had, but things are definitely much better.

Now, i face a new challenge - breaking the habits that I formed while suffering through this past year.  But that's another post, for another day.

My goal for 2012 is to learn how to control my depression and not have it control me.  And to write about all the ups and downs along the way.

The Perfect Post . . . Missing In Action

A few nights ago, while lying in bed, unable to sleep at around 2:00 in the morning, I had a post about my struggles with depression this past year all figured out.  I had it all planned, word for word, in my head.  I could even visualize it, typed and published.

This is not an easy subject for me to write about.  I have been wanting to write about it.  I think it would help me to write about it.  However, every time I try, the words won't come.  But this time, it all just came to me when sleep wouldn't.

I almost got out of bed to write it down or type it out so that I would remember the perfect analogies that I had formed in my head.  But I didn't.  And now, as I try again to actually write a post, all my thoughts and feelings are a jumbled mess bouncing around in my brain.

Imagine a 1500 piece jigsaw puzzle, dumped on the floor that was already strewn with hot wheels cars, train track pieces and a dozen different types of blocks and you've got my living room a good analogy of what is going on in my brain.  The puzzle pieces are the the bits of this perfect post, mixed in with everything else that lives in my head.

Some of the pieces will be easy to find and fit back together.

Others will jump out at me but no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to make fit with the rest.

Some will resurface, days, weeks maybe even months from now and will become the beginnings of new posts as depression is a struggle that will always be a part of me.

And still others will be lost forever.

I feel that it is time to write about my struggles.  

Time to write about my feelings.

Time to write about how I hope to move forward.

Today is not the day.  I need to find and piece together at least some small corner of the jigsaw puzzle in my brain.  But soon, very soon I will be back with a post about how, in 2012 I am going to figure out how to control my depression and not let it control me like it did in 2011.

Yoga

I went to my first ever yoga class yesterday.  It is something that I've thought about from time to time over the past couple of years, but laziness prevailed and I never did anything about it.  But, here I am, thirteen and a half months since Liam was born and I still have a lot of leftover pregnancy weight (not to mention the extra 20 pounds I had before getting pregnant), no abdominal muscle tone (which really means a disgusting saggy belly), and we won't even talk about the other areas of my body that are just blah because, well, I am lazy.  So, a few weeks ago when hubby suggested that I start taking a yoga class and that he didn't mind me spending the money to take a class AND he would gladly look after Liam while I went to said class (even if it meant getting up on a Saturday or Sunday morning), I was intrigued and started looking into it.

I found a yoga place nearby that offers a free introductory lesson, so, off I went on Saturday.  It was, well, interesting.  There were only three of us there and the instructor talks A LOT (although she did say that she doesn't talk as much in regular classes) but much of what she said has me intrigued.  I really don't know much about yoga and was looking as this as something to help me getting to better shape.  But apparently it  can be really helpful to relieve stress, anxiety and depression.  Well, hello, why didn't someone tell me this sooner???  If yoga can help my stress level and depression, then I am there!

But then the class actually started . . . wow, some of those positions are hard to get into!  Not that they look easy, but enough people do it that I thought that if you were properly instructed on how to get into said pretzel like positions it would be easier than it looked.  Man was I wrong!  So, you get yourself into this pretzel like state they expect you to stay there . . . and then untangle yourself into another strange pose.  I don't think that it would be quite as bad if you could actually see the instructor so that you knew exactly what a position was supposed to look like, but you send half the time looking at your butt from an angle that you probably never imagined that you could see you own butt from!  It really makes you wonder what the guy or girl who came up with these moves was doing to discover them . . . actually, you probably don't really want to know, cause it was probably weird or kinky or something.

Anyway, in the end, I decided that I would go back.  I am going to sign up for 5 classes and see how that goes.  And see how hubby really feels about getting up on Sunday mornings to look after Liam while I go twist myself into a pretzel.

However, before Sunday, I MUST, MUST, MUST go buy my own yoga mat.  My face spent too much time very close to that mat to be using one that someone else's face and more importantly ass have been on.  I mean, I am sure that they are cleaned and disinfected, but still, I really don't want my face on a mat that someone else's ass has been on . . . eww!

****  Side Note - My abs are a bit sore today . . . this is a good thing, as it means that I still have abdominal muscles, not just a glob of flab where my abs used to be.  I guess they are just hiding under the glob of flab!  Maybe yoga will give my abs the confidence to come out again!  Cross your fingers for me!!