A Photo That . . .

I am participating in the 5 for 5 writing series at Momalom where bloggers write a post a day for five days about a given topic.  Today's topic is PICTURES.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do for today's 5 for 5, with the topic of Pictures, I had a few ideas bouncing around in my head, but hadn't settled on a direction when Pam at writewrds posted her Hostel Bookers 7 Super Shots post and nominated me to participate as well.  So, I gave into the peer pressure (just kidding, I thought it was a neat idea) and decided to do two challenges as one!  So, here goes, I am taking part in Hostel Bookers 7 Super Shots AND Momalom's 5 for 5 with this post! 

First, I needed to pick seven photos, that shouldn't have been difficult as I take hundreds of photos every month, but in my typically obsessive nature, it took me half and hour of searching for the "perfect" photos for each category.  But, here they are!

A photo that . . . takes my breath away.

This past summer, I was fortunate enough to happen upon these two butterflies who were too busy . . . "enjoying each other's company" to notice me and my camera.  I got a number of gorgeous photos of these two "friendly" creatures.  And it still amazes me that I was able to get pictures of such a beautiful, natural event.  And it makes me giggle that I witnessed this event at Upper Canada Village!

A photo that . . . makes me laugh or smile.

This is Liam and I in September 2009 at the New York State Fair.  It always makes me smile because there aren't a whole lot of photos of Liam and I (I'm always the one with the camera) and most of the ones we do have are posed.  This is natural.  We are happy.  We are having fun.  We are on holidays.  We are waiting for Liam's first ever concert to start, Sara Evans.  Since then, he has been to many concerts and loves country music as much as his Daddy and I do!

A photo that . . . makes me dream.

Seeing my little boy trying to do grown up things that he sees his daddy do makes me dream about his future.  I wonder who he will be.  What he will become.  Where will the future take this little person with the huge personality.

A photo that . . . makes me think.

My messy flower beds, at the beginning of spring makes me think of what is to come.  Sunny summer days, filled with beautiful flowers and a vegetable garden overflowing with home grown produce.  I hope that is what life has in store for me . . . happy times with good friends, loving family and enough of everything we need to stay healthy and happy.

A photo that . . . makes my mouth water.

Homemade hamburger patties, cooked on an open fire . . . really, does it get much better than that?  Well, maybe if they were accompanied by a bottle of red wine.  Now I am hungry . . . who wants a burger?

A photo that . . . tells a story.

We were camping, we needed fire wood, Liam found us fire wood.  My sometimes serious, always helpful little man, doing his part to get the fire started so we could cook supper!

A photo that . . . I am am most proud of (aka my National Geographic Worth Shot).

I grew up with my mother and papa being avid bird watches.  Although I am no expert and can only identify the most basic of birds (this is a chickadee!) I do love feeding the bird in the winter and when it's not too cold, trying to get some pictures of the fluttery little creatures!  And every so often I get what I think is a pretty good shot!  

And there you have it, by 7 Super Shots.  I could keep going with dozens of other photos but that might just get to be too much!  Hope you enjoyed my pictures!

Finally, to challenge five other bloggers to jump on the Hostel Bookers 7 Super Shots Challenge . . . 

Karen at Karen's Chronicles

Alex at I don't Blog But If I Did

Amy at Keep Your Head Up

Allison at Ali's Adventures

Krista at Life In The Hutch

Why? Why? Why?

I am participating in the 5 for 5 writing series at Momalom where bloggers write a post a day for five days about a given topic.  Today's topic is WORDS.

Babies make such cute little sounds when they are brand new.  I remember Liam making little grunting noises that reminded me a little baby piglet.  But then there are the times when they scream and scream and scream, when nothing you do can soothe them.  Haven't we all in desperation said to our little babies, "I just wish you could tell me what's wrong!"
Before you know it, that little baby isn't a baby anymore.  Suddenly, you have a walking, talking toddler, who amazes you everyday with the new words they are learning to say and use.  They are finally able to start putting words to their needs, making things a little easier for you when they want something.  There are still lots of moments where they are just babbling and making no sense whatsoever to anyone but themselves, but it doesn't matter.  They are finally using the words that you were so desperate to hear.
In our house, we have moved past the toddler talk phase and into the three year question phase.  Liam has words for just about everything.  Sure, there are lots of words that he still needs to learn to say, like amphibian, which he heard on a Dinosaur documentary last night, but for the most part he can articulate his wants and needs.  His biggest need is to know EVERYTHING!
The questions are constant.  "Who is that?" "What are you doing?" "Where is my car?"  And the most frequent of all questions, a single word, "WHY?"  Everything from the simplest task to the most complicated device in the house needs to be explained, repeatedly!  
I know that why is a very important word when you are three years old and learn about the world and everything in it.  But sometimes it is just plain exhausting having to explain everything.  I know that repetition is how three year olds learn and remember things but do I really have to answer the same question 10 times in a row?  And I know that it is very important for you to know the exact answer to every question that pops into your head, but I really don't know all the answers, all the time.  I wish I did.  I wish I had the words and knowledge to answer every question that my little man asks but it just doesn't work that way!  
So, even though 3 years ago, I was wishing that my little baby boy had the words to tell me what he wanted and needed, there are now times when I wish he would, just for a little while, stop using those words and give Mommy a few minutes of peace from the questions.  

Depression Changes Things

I am participating in the 5 for 5 writing series at Momalom where bloggers write a post a day for five days about a given topic.  The first topic is CHANGE.

Many people think of depression as just feeling sad all the time.  Unfortunately for those of us who suffer from depression, we know that there is a whole lot more to it than that.  Depression effects just about every aspect of your life, not always at the same time or in the same way but it touches everything in someway. 

Everything changes when you become depressed.  The way you look at life, the way you interact with people, the way you do your job, your thoughts, your choices, your hopes and desires.

Some of these changes are easy enough to get back on track once you learn how to control your depression.  But some of them are not.  Sometimes it seems as though depression has changed certain aspects of your existence for good.

Before I developed depression, I was full of energy and motivation, always ready to try new things and make decisions, although I was a little bit shy, I wasn't afraid of meeting new people and I was no super model, but for the most part, I was happy with my appearance.  Now, even though my depression is under control, I have changed.  

I don't have the energy and motivation that I once had.  Even when I want to do something, it can be a struggle to motivate myself to get up off the couch or move away from the computer.  I miss the enthusiasm that I once had for many things.  I hate having to push myself to do the things I love. 

I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see.  I need to get healthier, not only for me, but for my family.  I need to eat better and eat less.  I need to exercise more.  I need to stop just saying these things and actually doing them.

I am tired of worrying about what people think of me.  I am tired of seeing things so negatively.  I am tired of not being able to make a decision.  I am tired of the way depression has changed me.  I am tired of depression being in control.  It is time I learn to control my depression.

It is time to CHANGE.

Depression Sucks

I suffer from depression.  I have for about 8 years.  I take medication everyday and hope that it continues to keep things under control.

This past year, most of 2011, things have not been good.  My medication did not keep things under control the way it should have.  There was no precise trigger to blame.  Nor did I just wake up one morning feeling depressed again.  I was a slow, gradual descent into a life I do not wish upon anyone.

At some point last winter, I started to slowly slip back into what would be a year long struggle.  In the beginning, I didn't even see the signs.  Henry would point it out the changes in my mood or personality and I would instantly deny it or blame it on something else.  In March, I saw my doctor.  I told her that I was tired all the time.  But I didn't tell her anything else.  I was still in denial.  I thought I was still in control.  She suggested SAD (seasonal affective disorder).  I agreed and promised to come back if things didn't improve with the weather.

My energy did not improve, nor did my moods, my motivation my interest in anything, my desire to do interact with anyone or my memory and concentration.  Nor was I any more willing to admit that there were issues or problems with any of these things.  By the end of the summer, very little in life gave me pleasure.  It was a struggle to get out of bed in the morning.  I had to push myself to do anything.  It was all I could do to make it through the day at work.  Aside for going to work and cooking dinner, I did nothing.  

My house was a mess, my gardens (which are normally therapeutic for me) were full of weeds, I had dozens of unfinished projects around the house and yard, Liam and Henry weren't getting the amount or quality of attention that they deserved from me, there really wasn't a single aspect of my life that wasn't affected by this.  But I really didn't care.  I was full of excuses for my actions and promises to change but I couldn't do a thing about any of it.

By the end of the summer, I was finally ready to admit that there were problems.  But I still wasn't ready to do anything about them.  But it gave me an excuse, a scapegoat.  My depression became my excuse for everything that I didn't do, didn't want to do or didn't do correctly.  

Finally, in October, I couldn't put it off any longer.  I had to see my doctor.  Not only did I need a prescription renewal, I needed help.

By this point I was drowning in feelings of hopelessness, sadness, loneliness and just about every other negative  emotion you can think of.  My ability to focus and get things done was non existent as was my memory.

I was practically shaking as I waited to see my doctor, afraid that I wouldn't be able to convince her that there was a problem.  But at the same time feeling like I could wait it out a little longer to see if things got better without help. (I knew full well that it wouldn't but that's how my brain was functioning at the time.)

Within a few short minutes of talking with my doctor, she was giving me a prescription to increase my meds by one dose for three weeks and by another dose for a second 3 weeks if needed.

Just having that piece of paper in my hand made me feel somewhat better.  It is amazing how our brains function sometimes.

After the first three weeks, I felt a slight improvement.  After six weeks, I felt more improvement but still not enough.  I still didn't feel "normal".

Back to the doctor I went.  Again, she was helpful and added a second medication.  More than a month of being on a higher dose of my regular meds as well as the second medication and I am feeling much better.

There are still day (and probably always will be) where I have to push myself to do things and I still don't have quite then energy that I wish i had, but things are definitely much better.

Now, i face a new challenge - breaking the habits that I formed while suffering through this past year.  But that's another post, for another day.

My goal for 2012 is to learn how to control my depression and not have it control me.  And to write about all the ups and downs along the way.

The Perfect Post . . . Missing In Action

A few nights ago, while lying in bed, unable to sleep at around 2:00 in the morning, I had a post about my struggles with depression this past year all figured out.  I had it all planned, word for word, in my head.  I could even visualize it, typed and published.

This is not an easy subject for me to write about.  I have been wanting to write about it.  I think it would help me to write about it.  However, every time I try, the words won't come.  But this time, it all just came to me when sleep wouldn't.

I almost got out of bed to write it down or type it out so that I would remember the perfect analogies that I had formed in my head.  But I didn't.  And now, as I try again to actually write a post, all my thoughts and feelings are a jumbled mess bouncing around in my brain.

Imagine a 1500 piece jigsaw puzzle, dumped on the floor that was already strewn with hot wheels cars, train track pieces and a dozen different types of blocks and you've got my living room a good analogy of what is going on in my brain.  The puzzle pieces are the the bits of this perfect post, mixed in with everything else that lives in my head.

Some of the pieces will be easy to find and fit back together.

Others will jump out at me but no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to make fit with the rest.

Some will resurface, days, weeks maybe even months from now and will become the beginnings of new posts as depression is a struggle that will always be a part of me.

And still others will be lost forever.

I feel that it is time to write about my struggles.  

Time to write about my feelings.

Time to write about how I hope to move forward.

Today is not the day.  I need to find and piece together at least some small corner of the jigsaw puzzle in my brain.  But soon, very soon I will be back with a post about how, in 2012 I am going to figure out how to control my depression and not let it control me like it did in 2011.

Time Flies . . .

My goodness, I just realized, that it has been over a month since I wrote a blog post!  I wish I had some wonderfully exciting reason for why I haven't written or posted but I've got nothing!  

Life is busy, work is busy and at the end of the day, I am tired!  It seems as though when I want to write and my brain is ready to co-operate, there is no time.  When there is time I am not in the mood to write or my brain won't work with me!

It is time for me to really focus on setting aside some time specifically for me to write each week.  I have lots of stuff bouncing around in my head, begging to be written.  I have found sites with some fun writing prompts that I am eager to try.  

I need to clone myself, my clone could do the housework and I could write!!

But until then, you can follow my gardening adventures, in my gardening blog (mostly photos), My Almost Green Thumb

Poetry

Poetry doesn't come easy for me - even reading and making sense of it can be a challenge for me.  And I never try to write it.  Trying to write poetry gives me a headache, and I get enough of those without trying! 

However, once in a while, usually completely out of the blue, something will come to me and if I don't write it, I will be haunted by poem fragments bouncing around in my brain until I do something productive with it!  I have tried ignoring it before, to avoid the "trying to write poetry headache" and it doesn't work, the haunting continues day in and day out until I write something.  

Today was one of those days when poetry invaded my little brain and would not leave me alone.  Of course, it happened while I was in the middle of finger paint with my group of toddlers at work AND trying to keep them from throwing toys across the room (yeah, bet you wish you had my job!).  So, between cleaning paint off fingers and the table AND trying to convince them that lego are more for building with than throwing at each other, I grabbed a scrap of green construction paper and scribbled a few things and shoved it in my back pocket before pulling one of my kids off the table before he could stand on it and probably jump off.

Sometimes I write a poem that I am happy with other times, I write garbage.  The ones I am happy with get written in a little notebook tucked beside my bed, never to be shown to anyone.  And the garbage, well, do I really have to tell you that I put garbage in the garbage?

Tonight, I took my scribbles and turned them into something that I call poetry.  (You may or may not agree, and I won't be insulted if you laugh at me!  Like I said, once these thoughts are in my head, I HAVE to write them.)  

They don't listen, 

They run around like wild animals,

Toys are throw,

Paint covers everything,

Patience is wearing very thin,

I want to yell.

I want to scream.

I want to run away.

But I stay,

I take a deep breath.

Remind myself,

They need to learn,

They need to be taught.

I need to show them,

Guide them,

 Teach them.

****************************

Quiet

Suddenly, the quiet settles in,

For a brief moment, 

I quickly search,

For any sign of my sanity,

Grasping for it,

Before it is gone again.

As suddenly as it came,

The quiet is gone again,

Smothered by the chaos.

Brain Fart

We all have them from time to time - you know, when you run into your new neighbor at the grocery store and can't remember her name and then you go into the store to pick up milk, eggs and . . . oh shit, you can't remember the and . . .  It happens even to those of us you with the best of memories.

For me lately, my brain seems to be almost constantly in fart mode, especially when it comes to writing.  Throughout the day when I don't have time to write, I've got a million thoughts and ideas bouncing around my brain.  But once I get home, make dinner, get Liam to bed, sit down at the computer and finally find my way to bloggy land, there's nothing, nada, nil, in my head expect for the odd tumbleweed.

So, I head off to read the blogs on my blog roll, searching desperately for inspiration.  Every time, I read lots of posts that make me laugh, many that are thought provoking but none of them wake up my creativity or give me any new ideas that i can write about.

By this point I am ready to bash my seemingly empty skull against a cement wall to try and shake some of the ideas from earlier out of hiding.  But alas, I know that is a bad idea, because I do still have enough functioning brain cells to know that hitting my head against the wall will hurt!  

Then it hits me, I have a BRILLIANT idea, Twitter, I will find inspiration on Twitter.  I follow some really cool people who often give me thoughts and ideas!  But again, I come up with NOTHING!  Sure, there are lots of comments to read and other distractions but not a single tweet that inspires me to write.

Why are the ideas and inspirations only around when there's no time for me to use them?  The harder I try to come up with something, the lamer, more boring and downright pathetic my ideas are.  

Then I start to wonder if this is my brain's way of telling me to give up because I can't write worth shit.  Or maybe it is just my conscience telling me that I should be cleaning my house or exercising instead of blogging.

And that just makes me mad.  What right does my brain or conscience have to tell me that I can't or shouldn't write?  I want to write.  I want to blog, so damn it, I am going to blog.

Then I look back at the blank Blogger new post screen and remember that I don't have a single damn thing to write about.

"Screw you brain," I decide as I log out of Blogger and head over to Facebook.  "I don't need you to play Farmville."

And that's it until the next day when I do it all over again . . . 

Sleep Is Overrated Or Is It?

I really have to wonder why our bodies are designed to need so much sleep.  If you believe in creationism, you can just put it off to the fact that there wasn't as much to do when the world was created, so Adam and Eve could sleep as much as they wanted to, when they weren't too busy stealing forbidden fruit.  However, if you believe in evolution, there is no reason for us to need so much sleep, we should have evolved into non sleeping creatures by now.

I have had a lot of time to wonder about that and many other things when I'm NOT sleeping at night.

No matter how I look at it, how much I think about it or how much I try, I don't get anywhere near enough sleep.  If I am REALLY lucky, I am in bed by 10:00 pm.  And given that I am up at 5:00 am for work everyday, that's a grand total of seven hours.  But that much sleep is a rarity.  For starters, most nights it is closer to 11:00 pm before I manage to get myself into bed, bringing it down to  six hours.  

Six hours if I fall asleep instantly and sleep continuously until the alarm goes off.

And what are the chances of that, you wonder?  NIL!  Lately, falling asleep is an almost impossible task.  I have no idea why because I am constant ALL the time.  Most of the time, I feel like I could lay down on the floor and be asleep in moments, but not at night when I go to bed.  As soon as the lights go out and my head hits the pillow, my brain comes alive.  I can't stop thinking about things - sometimes important things, but mostly about trivial things.  Things that don't matter, things that I wouldn't waste a second of time thinking about during the day, things that really shouldn't be keeping me up at night.  But no matter what I do or how hard I try, the thoughts won't go away.  It is just one random piece of nonsense after another until I am ready to scream.  

I toss and turn and toss some more and curse to myself as I stare at the dark ceiling begging sleep to come.

Amongst the random thoughts I always (literally every night) have the urge to write when I should be sleeping.  I can sit and stare at a blank WORD document on my computer screen for hours without being able to compose a coherent paragraph.  Yet, when I should be sleeping, give me a notebook and a pencil because I NEED to write!  I actually have ideas and concise thoughts that seem to be missing when I am actually trying to write.  I don't understand why my brain works like this and I really don't like it.  I am beginning to think that the "writer" part of my brain hates me.  Or maybe it is just trying to tell me that my writing sucks and I should just give up on it.  Whatever it is, I need it to stop!

I need to find a way to make the thoughts stop so that I can sleep before I go completely insane.*  it is times like this when I really wish I had a sleep option, just like my computer, so that with a click of a mouse, I could be in dreamland.  

* see, another reason to get those insane asylums up and running again!

Manic Monday . . .

The Bangles said it the best of anyone . . . 

“It's just another manic Monday

I wish it were a Sunday

'Cause that's my funday

My I don't have to runday

It's just another manic Monday”

This song runs through my mind many times through the day each and every Monday.  Monday’s are crazy days for me.  First is the issue, faced by most people, of going back to work after the weekend.  It means, for me, going back to getting up at 5am and not getting to have a nap, rushing to get myself and Liam ready, remembering to feed the dogs and cats and getting out the door on time.  Work is always a little crazier on Mondays, just like all the adults trying to get back into the swing of the work week, the daycare kids need to get back in the swing of being at daycare with a crowd of other kids instead of being at home with just mom and dad and siblings.  And just like us, they tend to be tired and cranky!

Once I make it through the “manic Monday” workday, I rush home, rush to throw something together for dinner before rushing out the door for Brownies.  Not sure if I have mentioned it before, but for the past five years I have been a volunteer with Girl Guides of Canada as a Brownie leader.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I love doing this, I adore the girls and don’t plan on giving it up anytime soon, but I despise the fact that it is Monday nights.  However, that is when the RA Center is available and it’s always been on Mondays, so there is nothing I can do about it!

By the time I get home from Brownies, it is about 8:30 pm and I am utterly exhausted!  But there are always things that need to be done around the house and even though I could go straight to bed and sleep until morning, it never happens and I’m lucky if I make it to bed before 11 pm. 

Very rarely during the course of Monday do I have any time for myself; there just aren’t enough hours in the day.  So, in an effort to force myself to create at least a few minutes of time for me on Mondays, I am going to start a weekly “Manic Monday Music Moment” blog post.  Each Monday, starting tomorrow, I will try to pick a song, it might be a song that I heard during the day, I might turn on my iPod and pick the first song that comes on or it might be whatever is planning on my Sirius radio at the time.  Mostly, it will just be a fun way for me to share some of the music I love with my readers and give myself a moment of me time in a crazier than usual day!