What Depression Does To Me

I don't want to be at work or at home.
I don't want to be with people or alone.
I don't want get up in the morning or go to bed at night.
I just don't want to.

There are dishes to do, piles of dirty laundry and floors to sweep.
I could be spending time in my gardens or sitting on my patio.
But I just do nothing.

I'm not happy or sad.
Everything annoys me or frustrates me.
Otherwise, I feel nothing.

I feel nothing and I don't care.
That's what depression does to me.
It comes out of nowhere and kicks me in the ass.
And then it stomps on me when I am down.

Depression makes me think that nothing I do is right.
Depression tells me that there is no point in even trying.
Depression tells me that this is as good as it gets.
Depression tells to give up and spend every day being annoyed and frustrated with everything.
Depression tells me to ignore the people who are important.
Depression tells me to keep doing nothing.

DEPRESSION LIES!

I know that there will be better days.
I know that this won't last.  I won't let it.
I will not let depression win this battle.

It would be easy to give in and let depression win.
It would be easy to sit and stare mindlessly at the TV all day.

Life with depression isn't easy.
I make myself get up and get dressed everyday.
I go to work, put a smile on my face and do what I have to do my job.
I push myself to do what I need to do every day.
I make myself do things that I don't want to do.
Some days it works better than others, but I don't give up.
Tomorrow is another day and I will try again.
Maybe tomorrow will be the day when I find even a couple of minutes of enjoyment in the day.
Maybe the next day will be even better.

Sometimes it is just a day, sometimes a few days or longer.
Eventually things will be back to normal.
Someday I will wake up and feel things and want to do things.
Then I will enjoy life until it comes back,
Because when you live with depression, you live with depression.
If you are lucky, you can control it most of the time.
But it is never gone and you never know when it is going to rear it's ugly head.

Halloween Playdough

Liam's teacher asked me to make some "fun Halloween play dough" for his kindergarten class.  A little bit of thinking and a trip to the dollar store and we created some orange glitter play dough filled with plastic ants, flies and spiders. 

Liam is very excited to take the "bug dough" to school tomorrow. And I can't wait to hear all about it. 

Play Dough

2 cups flour

2 cups water

1 cup salt 

2 tbsp oil 

1tbsp cream of tartar

Food Colouring

Mix all ingredients together in large pot. Heat on medium until dough forms. Turn out on floured counter. Dough will be sticky. Knead in extra flour until it is the right consistency.  Finally knead in the fun stuff ... Glitter and bugs!  (Or whatever you creative mind can come up with!) 

Christmas Day - Hourly Photo Style

A few years ago, Andrea, over at A Peek Inside The Fishbowl started a Christmas Day Hourly Photo Challenge.  As someone who LOVES to take photos, I jumped on the chance to join in.  The idea is to take a picture every hour on the hour of what you are doing at that moment and then upload them to share you day.  I don't take the time to blog the pictures during the day, but I do post them to my Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.  And now, here they are, blog style!

9:00am - Let's get this party started!!  (Yes, Liam slept in until 9:00am!  But only because I kept him up until almost 10:00pm the night before!)

10:00am  (part 1) Good bye old pots, we've had a wonderful 15 years together but it is time you move on.  It is not good bye forever, you will now be our camping pots.

10:00am (part 2) Hello new pots!  You look so nick hanging on my wall!  Can't wait to get to know you!  Thanks Henry!!  :) 

11:00am  Turkey, get in the oven!  

12:00pm  Building ramps for the remote control monster truck that Santa brought!  I think Liam may grow up to be an architect or engineer.  He is always building stuff out of whatever he can find to build with!

1:00pm  Time to start decorating the birthday cake.  After five years of this I still can't believe that Liam was born on Christmas!!  

2:00pm  Still decorating the birthday cake.  And watching How I Met Your Mother on Netflix.  

3:00pm (part 1) The cake is finished!!  For those of you who are NASCAR fans, you will know what it is, but for the rest of you, it is Danica Partick's number, she is Liam's favorite drive.  Because she is a girl and she's hot . . . yes, that really is what he say.

3:00pm (part 2)  Cake decorating mess has overtaken the kitchen.  Where is that clean up elf that I asked Santa for?

3:00pm (part 3) Building a Mega Blocks World of Warcraft dragon. 

4:00pm  Finally a chance to sit down and relax with a glass of wine and the Dr. Who marathon on Space.

5:00pm - Turkey's done.  Let's eat!

6:00pm  Birthday cake time!

7:00pm  Birthday and Christmas presents from Gabba and Aunties!

8:00pm  Kitten cuddles!

9:00pm Dr.Who Christmas Special!!!  (This is not a picture from the Christmas Special.  I was so excited to watch it that I forgot to take a picture!  This is a scene from the 50th Anniversary Special.)

10:00pm  The wine is almost gone and Dr. Who is almost over.  That means it is almost bedtime for this sleepy mommy!!

11:00pm  One last peek at my Christmas Birthday Boy!  And then off to bed!!

Christmas Fun - Grown Up Version - Homemade Bailey's Irish Cream

Christmas Fun - Grown Up Version - Homemade Bailey's Irish Cream

Yes, I said Homemade Bailey's.  It doesn't matter how you like your Irish Cream, in coffee or hot chocolate or on the rocks, this recipe will delight you!!

It is quick and easy to make and cheaper than the real stuff.  And I love that I can add as much chocolate as I want!  

It is a great hostess gift for all the holiday parties you get invited to or a nice little addition to a festive gift basket.  If you give it as a gift, you should probably include the recipe.  Most people that I give it to think it is better than the real stuff and start making their own!

So, here is the recipe, get out your blender and give it a try!

Bailey's Irish Cream

3 whole eggs

1 cup whipping cream

1 cup rye

1 can sweetened condensed milk

2 tsp vanilla

2 tbsp chocolate syrup

Put everything in the blender.  

Blend on high until well mixed.

Store in refrigerator.

Makes approximately one liter.  

Christmas Fun - Clay Flower Pot Christmas Tree

Christmas Fun - Clay Flower Pot Christmas Tree

I found this idea on Pintrest (Clay Pot Christmas Tree) and I couldn't resist trying this with Liam this year.

Not only is it super cute and easy but it is cheap! 

All you need is 3 different sized flower pots, green acrylic paint, two or three other colours of acrylic paint, a foam paint brush, a pencil crayon, a little bit of felt (scraps will work), glue, a star, a wooden skewer and acrylic sealer.  I got everything I needed at the dollar store except for the acrylic sealer, I had to go to Walmart for that.

Here's how to do it . . . with picture!

Assemble materials.

Paint flower pots with foam paint brush.

Dabbing the brush gives a textured look and better coverage of paint.

Use the flat end of a pencil crayon to put "decorations" on your tree.  If your child is older, they can use a paint brush and paint more elaborate designs.  

Once the paint is all dry, glue some felt pieces around the inside of each pot.  This is so that the pots one stick together when stacked.  

Cover all three pots with acrylic sealer and stack.  Attach a star to a wooden skewer and place through the bottom center holes of the flower pots.

And there is it, a Clay Flower Pot Christmas Tree!

I think that one made out of the really big clay pots would make a cool outdoor Christmas Decoration!  I will put that on next year`s to do list!

Christmas Fun - Crystal Snowflakes

I've seen tons of pictures and tutorials around the internet for Crystal Snowflakes made from pipe cleaners, Borax and water.  

They looked pretty cool and the instructions seemed pretty simple, so I decided to give it a try!  Here is goes . . . step by step . . . 

Use three half pipe cleaners, twisted together int he middle to make a snowflake.

Mix 3 tablespoons of borax to 1 cup of boiling water, stirring to dissolve.  Add blue food colouring if desired.  (If mixing a large quantity, use 3/4 cup of borax to 4 cups of boiling water.)  Liam enjoyed measuring and mixing!

 Hang snowflakes over the top of a container by tying a string to the snowflake and the other end to a dowel, resting across the top of the container.  Fill your container with borax solution, making sure to cover the pipe cleaner completely and ensuring that the snowflakes are not touching the sides or bottom of the container.

Let sit over night.  About 4 hours later, the crystals were just starting to form on top of the water.

Remove snowflakes from borax mixture.

And there you have it . . . Broax Crystal Snowflakes!  Liam was super excited with his crystal snowflakes!

Overall, the project was just as easy as I expected!  I did have difficulty finding a container, the instructions said to use a jar and I didn't have anything big enough, so I used a stock pot and did three snowflakes together.  This used considerable more Borax and water than I anticipated.  (I used half a box of Broax just for this!)  But, other wise, super easy!

Some of the instructions that I saw before doing this said that they would be done in a couple of hours.  This was not the case.  If you try it, leave them overnight!

One other bit of advice if you try this - not only does the Borax form crystals on the pipe cleaners, it also forms crystals on the inside of the container.  When I do this again, I will use a disposable container so I don't have to spend an half an hour chipping water out of my pot! 

This is what my pot looked like when we were done.  The stuff at the bottom was rock hard and about half an inch thick!

Depression Is . . .

Depression is one of those things that can strike at any time.  You never know when or where it's going to rear it's ugly head.  It doesn't matter if you are at home or at work, on vacation or at the mall.  It doesn't matter what time of the day or night it might be.

Depression isn't always the same.  it can creepy up slowly, bring you down deeper and deeper everyday.  Or it can come out of nowhere and slap you upside the head causing a downward spiral.  It can last for a few hours, a day, a week, a month - you never know.

Depression doesn't always have a reason that you can understand.  Sometimes it does, there are lots of things, stress, illness, death, etc, that could trigger a period of depression.  But sometimes you find yourself in that deep dark hole and have no idea why you are there.

Depression can hit you in so many different ways.  It can make you sad, like sit in a corner and cry all day kind of sad.  It can make you angry, like explode at everyone who looks at you kind of angry.  It can make you not care, like the world could come falling down around you and you just shrug your shoulders.  It can make you clueless, like so clueless that you don't even notice that you are being miserable to everyone around you.  It can make you self absorbed to the point where you don't care that the guy in front of you slammed on his brakes to avoid hitting a child, all that you care about is that your purse fell on the floor and spilled when you hit your brakes to avoid hitting him.  It can make you withdrawn to the point where all you want to do is stay in bed.

Depression effects EVERYTHING - your family, your friends, your job, your pets, your home life, your social life.  No one can tell you what to expect or how you are going to feel or react.

Depression is unpredictable.  There is no one treatment that works for everyone.  Life becomes a rollercoaster of medications, therapies and strategies to try and keep in control of your life.  Some days it works, some days it doesn't.

Next time someone tells you that they suffer from depression, don't tell them that you know how they feel because you don't and you never will.  Instead, ask them how they feel and LISTEN! 

Even if you suffer from depression yourself, you don't know how they feel and you never will.  You understand what it is like to live with this horrible mental illness not knowing when it is going to turn on you again, but nobody suffers the same way. 

Depression is something different to everyone who suffers from it.