Depression Changes Things

I am participating in the 5 for 5 writing series at Momalom where bloggers write a post a day for five days about a given topic.  The first topic is CHANGE.

Many people think of depression as just feeling sad all the time.  Unfortunately for those of us who suffer from depression, we know that there is a whole lot more to it than that.  Depression effects just about every aspect of your life, not always at the same time or in the same way but it touches everything in someway. 

Everything changes when you become depressed.  The way you look at life, the way you interact with people, the way you do your job, your thoughts, your choices, your hopes and desires.

Some of these changes are easy enough to get back on track once you learn how to control your depression.  But some of them are not.  Sometimes it seems as though depression has changed certain aspects of your existence for good.

Before I developed depression, I was full of energy and motivation, always ready to try new things and make decisions, although I was a little bit shy, I wasn't afraid of meeting new people and I was no super model, but for the most part, I was happy with my appearance.  Now, even though my depression is under control, I have changed.  

I don't have the energy and motivation that I once had.  Even when I want to do something, it can be a struggle to motivate myself to get up off the couch or move away from the computer.  I miss the enthusiasm that I once had for many things.  I hate having to push myself to do the things I love. 

I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see.  I need to get healthier, not only for me, but for my family.  I need to eat better and eat less.  I need to exercise more.  I need to stop just saying these things and actually doing them.

I am tired of worrying about what people think of me.  I am tired of seeing things so negatively.  I am tired of not being able to make a decision.  I am tired of the way depression has changed me.  I am tired of depression being in control.  It is time I learn to control my depression.

It is time to CHANGE.

Depression Sucks

I suffer from depression.  I have for about 8 years.  I take medication everyday and hope that it continues to keep things under control.

This past year, most of 2011, things have not been good.  My medication did not keep things under control the way it should have.  There was no precise trigger to blame.  Nor did I just wake up one morning feeling depressed again.  I was a slow, gradual descent into a life I do not wish upon anyone.

At some point last winter, I started to slowly slip back into what would be a year long struggle.  In the beginning, I didn't even see the signs.  Henry would point it out the changes in my mood or personality and I would instantly deny it or blame it on something else.  In March, I saw my doctor.  I told her that I was tired all the time.  But I didn't tell her anything else.  I was still in denial.  I thought I was still in control.  She suggested SAD (seasonal affective disorder).  I agreed and promised to come back if things didn't improve with the weather.

My energy did not improve, nor did my moods, my motivation my interest in anything, my desire to do interact with anyone or my memory and concentration.  Nor was I any more willing to admit that there were issues or problems with any of these things.  By the end of the summer, very little in life gave me pleasure.  It was a struggle to get out of bed in the morning.  I had to push myself to do anything.  It was all I could do to make it through the day at work.  Aside for going to work and cooking dinner, I did nothing.  

My house was a mess, my gardens (which are normally therapeutic for me) were full of weeds, I had dozens of unfinished projects around the house and yard, Liam and Henry weren't getting the amount or quality of attention that they deserved from me, there really wasn't a single aspect of my life that wasn't affected by this.  But I really didn't care.  I was full of excuses for my actions and promises to change but I couldn't do a thing about any of it.

By the end of the summer, I was finally ready to admit that there were problems.  But I still wasn't ready to do anything about them.  But it gave me an excuse, a scapegoat.  My depression became my excuse for everything that I didn't do, didn't want to do or didn't do correctly.  

Finally, in October, I couldn't put it off any longer.  I had to see my doctor.  Not only did I need a prescription renewal, I needed help.

By this point I was drowning in feelings of hopelessness, sadness, loneliness and just about every other negative  emotion you can think of.  My ability to focus and get things done was non existent as was my memory.

I was practically shaking as I waited to see my doctor, afraid that I wouldn't be able to convince her that there was a problem.  But at the same time feeling like I could wait it out a little longer to see if things got better without help. (I knew full well that it wouldn't but that's how my brain was functioning at the time.)

Within a few short minutes of talking with my doctor, she was giving me a prescription to increase my meds by one dose for three weeks and by another dose for a second 3 weeks if needed.

Just having that piece of paper in my hand made me feel somewhat better.  It is amazing how our brains function sometimes.

After the first three weeks, I felt a slight improvement.  After six weeks, I felt more improvement but still not enough.  I still didn't feel "normal".

Back to the doctor I went.  Again, she was helpful and added a second medication.  More than a month of being on a higher dose of my regular meds as well as the second medication and I am feeling much better.

There are still day (and probably always will be) where I have to push myself to do things and I still don't have quite then energy that I wish i had, but things are definitely much better.

Now, i face a new challenge - breaking the habits that I formed while suffering through this past year.  But that's another post, for another day.

My goal for 2012 is to learn how to control my depression and not have it control me.  And to write about all the ups and downs along the way.