Friday, August 21, 2015

What Depression Does To Me

I don't want to be at work or at home.
I don't want to be with people or alone.
I don't want get up in the morning or go to bed at night.
I just don't want to.

There are dishes to do, piles of dirty laundry and floors to sweep.
I could be spending time in my gardens or sitting on my patio.
But I just do nothing.

I'm not happy or sad.
Everything annoys me or frustrates me.
Otherwise, I feel nothing.

I feel nothing and I don't care.
That's what depression does to me.
It comes out of nowhere and kicks me in the ass.
And then it stomps on me when I am down.

Depression makes me think that nothing I do is right.
Depression tells me that there is no point in even trying.
Depression tells me that this is as good as it gets.
Depression tells to give up and spend every day being annoyed and frustrated with everything.
Depression tells me to ignore the people who are important.
Depression tells me to keep doing nothing.


I know that there will be better days.
I know that this won't last.  I won't let it.
I will not let depression win this battle.

It would be easy to give in and let depression win.
It would be easy to sit and stare mindlessly at the TV all day.

Life with depression isn't easy.
I make myself get up and get dressed everyday.
I go to work, put a smile on my face and do what I have to do my job.
I push myself to do what I need to do every day.
I make myself do things that I don't want to do.
Some days it works better than others, but I don't give up.
Tomorrow is another day and I will try again.
Maybe tomorrow will be the day when I find even a couple of minutes of enjoyment in the day.
Maybe the next day will be even better.

Sometimes it is just a day, sometimes a few days or longer.
Eventually things will be back to normal.
Someday I will wake up and feel things and want to do things.
Then I will enjoy life until it comes back,
Because when you live with depression, you live with depression.
If you are lucky, you can control it most of the time.
But it is never gone and you never know when it is going to rear it's ugly head.