A few nights ago, while lying in bed, unable to sleep at around 2:00 in the morning, I had a post about my struggles with depression this past year all figured out. I had it all planned, word for word, in my head. I could even visualize it, typed and published.
This is not an easy subject for me to write about. I have been wanting to write about it. I think it would help me to write about it. However, every time I try, the words won't come. But this time, it all just came to me when sleep wouldn't.
I almost got out of bed to write it down or type it out so that I would remember the perfect analogies that I had formed in my head. But I didn't. And now, as I try again to actually write a post, all my thoughts and feelings are a jumbled mess bouncing around in my brain.
Imagine a 1500 piece jigsaw puzzle, dumped on the floor that was already strewn with hot wheels cars, train track pieces and a dozen different types of blocks and you've got
my living room a good analogy of what is going on in my brain. The puzzle pieces are the the bits of this perfect post, mixed in with everything else that lives in my head.
Some of the pieces will be easy to find and fit back together.
Others will jump out at me but no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to make fit with the rest.
Some will resurface, days, weeks maybe even months from now and will become the beginnings of new posts as depression is a struggle that will always be a part of me.
And still others will be lost forever.
I feel that it is time to write about my struggles.
Time to write about my feelings.
Time to write about how I hope to move forward.
Today is not the day. I need to find and piece together at least some small corner of the jigsaw puzzle in my brain. But soon, very soon I will be back with a post about how, in 2012 I am going to figure out how to control my depression and not let it control me like it did in 2011.